The Sandwich Generation Squeeze
I’ve been traveling again – and talking to more women about what’s on our minds. The theme that has emerged recently is “The Sandwich Generation” stresses. It is a condition of our parents living longer that makes it likely that we will have, according to some estimates, as many years of parent care ahead of us as we have had of childcare behind us. Not that caring for our children is behind us. The other half of the sandwich is the trend toward grown children moving back home or simply needing parenting well into their twenties and thirties.
Beyond the physical demands of care-giving, are the drip-drip-drip anxieties of worrying and trying to problem-solve with every waking hour – including those in the middle of the night. All this is happening at just the point in our lives when we are trying to move on – or, as one woman told me, “go out of the emotional management business.” It is possible to care of loved ones and one’s self at the same time? Is there another alternative available to us besides the choice another woman summarized as “guilt or resentment”?
I know this predicament well. I am living it. And I don’t have any answers. But I am working on “doing the best I can” and letting it go at that. I choose the words “letting go” precisely because I do believe that along with all the other changes we are going through in the Second Adulthood of our lives, we are letting go of many outdated expectations of others and of ourselves, and we are trying to let go of burdens of guilt that load us down way beyond the point that we can rectify them. Every day I deal with my own flawed parenting, I get some reassurance from the fact that I really did the best I could. And when my mother apologizes for not being the mother she now thinks I needed, I can say to her with all my heart that I am sure she did the best she could.
That is all any of us can do. And even if – and when – something bad happens, I hope I will be able to accept that
Beyond the physical demands of care-giving, are the drip-drip-drip anxieties of worrying and trying to problem-solve with every waking hour – including those in the middle of the night. All this is happening at just the point in our lives when we are trying to move on – or, as one woman told me, “go out of the emotional management business.” It is possible to care of loved ones and one’s self at the same time? Is there another alternative available to us besides the choice another woman summarized as “guilt or resentment”?
I know this predicament well. I am living it. And I don’t have any answers. But I am working on “doing the best I can” and letting it go at that. I choose the words “letting go” precisely because I do believe that along with all the other changes we are going through in the Second Adulthood of our lives, we are letting go of many outdated expectations of others and of ourselves, and we are trying to let go of burdens of guilt that load us down way beyond the point that we can rectify them. Every day I deal with my own flawed parenting, I get some reassurance from the fact that I really did the best I could. And when my mother apologizes for not being the mother she now thinks I needed, I can say to her with all my heart that I am sure she did the best she could.
That is all any of us can do. And even if – and when – something bad happens, I hope I will be able to accept that
posted by Suzanne Braun Levine at 10:28 AM
2 Comments:
Hello from a thirtysomething daughter. I live with my husband in his native Spain, and here this phenomenon is extremely common, though not much talked about. Many women in their fifties and sixties (and seventies!) are dealing with multiple issues: caring for aging parents in their homes (nursing homes are scarce, expensive, and definitely frowned upon), doing the cooking, cleaning, and laundry etc. for their adult children who still live at home (here it is common to live with parents until you get married, so there are many late-twenties and even thirties and older still living at Hotel Mom), and caring for your grandchildren (grandparents are looked upon as the preferred daycare option for working parents.) Frankly, this is a frightening scenario to me. Right now I am in the midst of raising two young children while preparing my re-entry into the workforce, and looking ahead to when the kids are more independent so I can have some time to focus on some of my own interests. But of course my life may very well just segue from one form of caretaking to another, without the freedom I am envisioning now.
So, I am interested in the lives of older women because, as you mentioned in an earlier post, I am looking for answers about what my own future might look like. I'll be watching to see what other people have to say!
My parents passed away 10 years ago, at ages 83 and 85. I took care of my mother, after a massive stroke, for 2 years, and know the difficulties of becoming your mother's mother. My children were in graduate school and still needing emotional and financial assistance. Apart from the costs associated with my mother's 24 hour care, I was emotionally and physically drained, along with feeling horribly guilty. She asked me to promise her that I would not move her to a nursing facility but I had to when she needed constant care.
I don't know that there is any answer to caring for ageing parents. Personally, I would not recommend having invalid parents live with you as it is extremely stressful for everyone in the house, including your parent. I don't regret spending the hours every day with my mother. However, my sisters did not come to help nor offer any financial assistance, their excuse being that they were married and I was not. I was angry and frustrated for several years and don't have the same level of trust for either of them today.
Once my parents died, I realized I was the next to 'go', so to speak, as the oldest member of the family now. That realization was extremely sobering and took some time to work through.
What I know for sure is that I will never ask my children to promise any kind of care for me. My main concern now is how my children will handle the sandwich generation when we are planning on living even longer than our parents. I am hoping for some legislation allowing assisted dying so I can make some choices, if necessary. Also, I do think that the current system of retirement care is extremely costly and outdated. Perhaps, our generation will work to develop nationalized ageing care fcilities that provides relief for children and nurturing care for parents.
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