NEW FRIENDS
I am thinking about my friends more and more these days. So many of the things I am brooding over or experimenting with require the feedback that only a trusted friend can give. Should I take on that new free-lance project or sign up for the sketch class I’ve promised myself? Should I get a second opinion? Should I let my hair grow out in all its mottled glory? Should I try to change my husband’s annoying habits? The concerns about babies that we sorted out with our friends when we were young mothers are now about us – and the rest of our lives.
I make time for my friends more conscientiously than ever before. They are high on my list of priorities for the good life. But as we change our lives, our needs shift, and those friends who may have been experts in one experience are less so in others. Since they too are changing their lives – they wouldn’t be my friends, if they didn’t have that dynamism – our interests may be diverging. That doesn’t mean the bond is any the less; I know who I would call first if Something Really Bad happened. But I am finding that I feel the need for new friends for the first time in many years.
Most of the friends I cherish are from school (one, with whom I have re-bonded over mutual professional interests was my best friend in third grade; we lost touch for thirty years) or work (I call the foursome I have monthly dinner with my “circle of trust”) or children (the dear, experienced mother of three who reassured me that yes, I could rub a little scotch on those tender gums), but nowadays opportunities are harder to come by. One woman I know who is working from home in a new community saw a woman in a yoga class who looked interesting. “I didn’t know how to approach her, though,” she said. “It was sort of like asking someone out on a first date.”
Another friend, a relatively new one at that, admits that she has consciously changed all her important friends in the last ten years. She actively cultivates women whose work she admires and who seem to be deeply committed to making things happen; they keep her on her toes, which is where she wants to be for the rest of her life.
I don’t expect to find more than one or two new additions to my inner cicle. The intimacy is so sensitive, the chemistry so subtle. Obviously we have to have lots of experiences and interests in common and a willingness to share our stories, but the most important ingredient, the one that builds a precious trust between us, is how we share our stories. How we listen. When we ask. How we attend to one another. How we laugh. That is why each new friend – and every old friend – is a gift.
I make time for my friends more conscientiously than ever before. They are high on my list of priorities for the good life. But as we change our lives, our needs shift, and those friends who may have been experts in one experience are less so in others. Since they too are changing their lives – they wouldn’t be my friends, if they didn’t have that dynamism – our interests may be diverging. That doesn’t mean the bond is any the less; I know who I would call first if Something Really Bad happened. But I am finding that I feel the need for new friends for the first time in many years.
Most of the friends I cherish are from school (one, with whom I have re-bonded over mutual professional interests was my best friend in third grade; we lost touch for thirty years) or work (I call the foursome I have monthly dinner with my “circle of trust”) or children (the dear, experienced mother of three who reassured me that yes, I could rub a little scotch on those tender gums), but nowadays opportunities are harder to come by. One woman I know who is working from home in a new community saw a woman in a yoga class who looked interesting. “I didn’t know how to approach her, though,” she said. “It was sort of like asking someone out on a first date.”
Another friend, a relatively new one at that, admits that she has consciously changed all her important friends in the last ten years. She actively cultivates women whose work she admires and who seem to be deeply committed to making things happen; they keep her on her toes, which is where she wants to be for the rest of her life.
I don’t expect to find more than one or two new additions to my inner cicle. The intimacy is so sensitive, the chemistry so subtle. Obviously we have to have lots of experiences and interests in common and a willingness to share our stories, but the most important ingredient, the one that builds a precious trust between us, is how we share our stories. How we listen. When we ask. How we attend to one another. How we laugh. That is why each new friend – and every old friend – is a gift.
posted by Suzanne Braun Levine at 7:06 AM
5 Comments:
I found your blog and wanted to say hi. I thought you might like a site I am doing about baby boomers, but really anyone would get something out of it. I'll keep reading...
http://www.thegeminiweb.com/babyboomer/index.php
I saw this article on More Magazine's site and I found myself curious about your other work. I am one of the women you discribe. At 51, I feel this urgency to reinvent myself, to move away from the what life I had built and start over. Is this midlife crisis? I thought I had passed that one already. Thanks for putting into words a lot of my thoughts.
I read your article with interest, as I am replacing almost all of my friends at age 59. I realized most of my friends were simply business associates after I was 'downsized' from a longtime corporate marketing position. For the past 15 years, I had been traveling, producing and editing 80 hours a week, by choice, after my children left home and I was divorced. My position required attendance at multiple social gatherings that provided ample opportunity to mingle and I cherished my few hours alone.
Suddenly, I had days on my hands with no interactions and my few personal friends living in other states. Several people gave me contacts with retired women's groups around the city but, honestly, these groups reminded me of the women in my mother's retirement home.
I attended my first high school reunion (40th) last year and felt I was meeting my parents friends. Somewhere, I have taken another road. Many of my childhood friends have pulled the corners of their lives around them and tucked into worries about bowel movements and arthritic knees.
My interests have definately evolved, as I am truly not 40, only older. My list of 'things I must do before I die' has been amended, by choice, to exclude heavy duty physical challenges and replaced with new adventures, arousing my senses, around the world. This year it was the color, scents and sounds of the Far East - China, South Korea and Japan. Travel groups include interesting people but none that have developed into a friendship as yet.
Going back to school for an MA in Psychology has opened new doors of exploration and contact with caring and gentle people. Yes, it took some time to slow down but my classmates have quickly become a 'circle of trust' for me. I think it is the field of interest in Social Work and Psychology that draws those who listen well, love to 'dig deeply' and provide wonderful insights without directives.
And, I have been growing my hair out and just decided to dye it a golden blonde, after a lifetime of brunette (and grey), AND added all the highlights I always wanted as a teenager. I am very comfortably sewn into my 59 year-old skin but I have to say that the hair color change has been alot of fun! I had to change the colors in my wardrobe!
My 'inner circle' changed with every phase of life. At 18, I traveled across country to college and did not return for 25 years. When I had young children, my friends were young mothers. When I divorced, I was no longer included in the group of married friends. As a single mother, working many hours, there was also very little time to nuture friendships. So, as I reinvent the rest of my life, my friendships become doors to new experiences, deep introspection and love.
The new friends challenge that Creating Purpose describes proves again that age is not the common denominator in Second Adulthood - outlook is.
Suzanne
Hi Suzanne:
I loved your post on friends. It's amazing how we never outgrow our need for close female friendships.
Since I became a caregiver for my mom, I'm finding that I can only lament about my situation to friends.
My best,
Irene
http://www.fracturedfriendships.com
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