Recently an invitation to speak to a large national women’s organization was withdrawn when the planners visited my website and saw the phrase “the fuck-you fifties.” This was the first time a specific reason was given for a change of heart, but there have been others and I suspect they were also for matters of taste. Now, I know that it is an in-your-face phrase, and whenever I speak, I ask my hosts how they feel about my using it. If they are squeamish, I understand. It is not a life or death issue. But the phrase evokes a state of mind that is very important to those who experience it. “The Fuck-you fifties” describes the sense of mischievous delight many of us feel when we get to the stage where we don’t want to be “good girls” any more; when shocking people a little bit is confirmation that we are not focusing on what others think but on what we want to say. So the phrase is kind of a double-header; it does what it describes.

I’m not a fan of vulgar language, but I am very much in favor of outrageous behavior and not acting your age. So this taste question intrigues me because it suggests that there are still issues of “appropriate behavior” for women. The Red Hat Society has become a world-wide network of women over fifty who pride themselves on being outrageous – they wear eye-catching red hats and go on field trips and luncheons together. “We just enjoy going out to public places once a month and letting everyone know we can dress how we want and don’t care what anyone else thinks about it,” says founder Sue Ellen Cooper, otherwise known as “The exalted Queen Mother.” “We always make heads turn in our regalia,” says a happy member. “It is obvious we are out to have a good time.” The organization also has a commendable mission: “To gain higher visibility for women in our age group and to reshape the way we are viewed by today’s culture.” One Red Hat chapter calls itself “the hot and spicy ladyz” But I am sure they would draw the line at calling their antics “fuck-you” behavior.

Back in the seventies when what we were doing was called “Women’s Lib” it became clear that language was a very powerful instrument for expanding the conversation. “Sexual Harassment” defined a way of treating women that had never been addressed, partly because it had no name and partly because, as Gloria Steinem has said, experiences like that were “just considered life.” Language also was a very powerful tool for setting limits on our behavior. The phrase “unwed mother” registered society’s disapproval. “Orgasm” was a dirty word. Women who tried to get ahead in business were “ball-breakers.”

So it appears that “fuck-you fifties” sits on the outer edge of “appropriate behavior” – in fact, the editor on my book asked if I would consider replacing it with “feisty fifties.” We are still hung up on the notion of being either “naughty” or “nice.” What I hope to see is not that the coarse language becomes commonplace, but that we get to the point that we Second Adulthood women don’t have to call attention to ourselves in order to be noticed. Then each of us can find the words to speak out in her own voice and on her own terms.