STARING DOWN THE EVIL EYE
My husband and I are leaving on the trip of a lifetime in early February. We are going to India for three weeks – to visit sites and spas and to make a pilgrimage to the southernmost tip of the country, where my late brother spent several transformative years. My husband is looking forward to it with all his characteristic energy and curiosity. I, on the other hand, am dreading it – not the vacation, but the going away.
Anne Morrow Lindburgh identified a common reluctance to set out on a trip – she said it was like being a slug glommed onto a rock – that lifts as soon as you are on your way. That is surely part of it. But I think I am also suffering from a bad case of It All Depends on Me Syndrome.
I have some real responsibilities that the trip will take me far away from: An almost-92-year-old mother, who is healthy but failing. A twenty-something son, who is struggling to get his rhythm in this world. A daughter who is a senior in college with countless decisions to make in the next few months. And a fifteen year old cat with a heart murmur. I worry about all of them now – going away is amplifying those worries.
The truth is, though, that whether here or in India, I have the same degree of control over their circumstances – which is not all that much. My mother is well-cared for, settled comfortably in her own home. I’ll be calling her as regularly as I do now, and if she needs medical attention, she will get it as fast as if I were here. My son has been in a state of becoming since he was a teenager, and if anyone is making a day-to-day difference, it is his girlfriend, not me. My daughter does like to consult intensely when making important decisions, but she usually makes the right one. As for the cat, he will be visited every single day while we are gone.
Given the precarious circumstances of my mother (and the cat) a certain amount of worry is understandable. But I am so much luckier than so many people caring for loved ones; I have a strong back-up team – all of whom have as good judgment and emergency reflexes as I do.
So what’s my problem? It is, I am beginning to understand, that I have assumed an additional responsibility that I cannot fulfill. I know I am not alone in believing somewhere in the primal depths of my care-taking soul that one of my jobs is to keep bad things at bay - fend off the Evil Eye. Unlike other more practical responsibilities, this one requires staying close – monitoring every emotional as well as physical breath – in order to jump between the Evil Eye and its victim. My mother-in-law believed it too; every time something good happened, she would move to shield the blessed one muttering “poo-poo-poo” – the shtetl spell for neutralizing the jealous demons.
Evil Eye anxiety is one notch beyond the I-should-be-able-to-make-everything better measure on the It All Depends on Me chart. Women like me have spent our adult life trying to withstand unattainable expectations of all kinds. We aren’t into perfection the way we used to be, but at least in my case, we are still into what one woman calls the “emotional management business” and I call the “everything management business.” It will probably be another generation that truly breaks free.
In that vein, here’s the syllogism I plan to pack in my suitcase – along with all those 4-ounce bottles: You can’t prepare yourself for - or protect yourself from - getting fired or for falling down stairs or for falling in love, for that matter. So why would you think you could do any more for anyone else? I hope it works. (Poo-poo-poo.)
Anne Morrow Lindburgh identified a common reluctance to set out on a trip – she said it was like being a slug glommed onto a rock – that lifts as soon as you are on your way. That is surely part of it. But I think I am also suffering from a bad case of It All Depends on Me Syndrome.
I have some real responsibilities that the trip will take me far away from: An almost-92-year-old mother, who is healthy but failing. A twenty-something son, who is struggling to get his rhythm in this world. A daughter who is a senior in college with countless decisions to make in the next few months. And a fifteen year old cat with a heart murmur. I worry about all of them now – going away is amplifying those worries.
The truth is, though, that whether here or in India, I have the same degree of control over their circumstances – which is not all that much. My mother is well-cared for, settled comfortably in her own home. I’ll be calling her as regularly as I do now, and if she needs medical attention, she will get it as fast as if I were here. My son has been in a state of becoming since he was a teenager, and if anyone is making a day-to-day difference, it is his girlfriend, not me. My daughter does like to consult intensely when making important decisions, but she usually makes the right one. As for the cat, he will be visited every single day while we are gone.
Given the precarious circumstances of my mother (and the cat) a certain amount of worry is understandable. But I am so much luckier than so many people caring for loved ones; I have a strong back-up team – all of whom have as good judgment and emergency reflexes as I do.
So what’s my problem? It is, I am beginning to understand, that I have assumed an additional responsibility that I cannot fulfill. I know I am not alone in believing somewhere in the primal depths of my care-taking soul that one of my jobs is to keep bad things at bay - fend off the Evil Eye. Unlike other more practical responsibilities, this one requires staying close – monitoring every emotional as well as physical breath – in order to jump between the Evil Eye and its victim. My mother-in-law believed it too; every time something good happened, she would move to shield the blessed one muttering “poo-poo-poo” – the shtetl spell for neutralizing the jealous demons.
Evil Eye anxiety is one notch beyond the I-should-be-able-to-make-everything better measure on the It All Depends on Me chart. Women like me have spent our adult life trying to withstand unattainable expectations of all kinds. We aren’t into perfection the way we used to be, but at least in my case, we are still into what one woman calls the “emotional management business” and I call the “everything management business.” It will probably be another generation that truly breaks free.
In that vein, here’s the syllogism I plan to pack in my suitcase – along with all those 4-ounce bottles: You can’t prepare yourself for - or protect yourself from - getting fired or for falling down stairs or for falling in love, for that matter. So why would you think you could do any more for anyone else? I hope it works. (Poo-poo-poo.)
posted by Suzanne Braun Levine at 1:03 PM
8 Comments:
Thank you so much for this piece. I thought I was reading about ME! I have recently started traveling for work. As each trip gets closer I am more apprehensive and anxiety ridden. How is the family going to do without me! Your piece is so right, but growing up in the evil eye culture and plenty of poo-poo-poos, it is a hard fear to overcome. But I am determined to achieve as much piece of mind as possible.
Peri
Suzanne,
Thank you. Today's my 43d b-day, my 3rd as a sober single (divorced) Mom of two, and my first b-day as the person I am today. Wow, the past few years have been a journey of their own, and I am soooo looking forward to the trip this year turns out to be. Blessings and hugs to all, thanks again, Suzanne...from another Suzanne.
WOW! I realize through your writing that there are so many other women who are in a similar situation and I feel less alone.
I'm at the end of a year of growth after losing my job and it has been one amazing year during which I've taken a good look at all aspects of ME (never had the time before, too busy taking care of everything,everyone else.) What a wakeup it has been. I'm turning "lemons into lemonade" and become the woman I want to be.Thanks for your help in the process. I look forward to the future now!
Pat
Once again, Suzanne, you've hit the nail on the head. We're all learning all of the time-isn't it nice when we can learn from each other.
Happy 2008, ladies-here's to us.
Madeline
Pat, I must ditto your comments. I too am unemployed suddenly and at 53, trying to find out what comes next. It feels good to listen to other women and I too feel less alone. I just don't want to do the same things I have done in the past and everyday am learning new things about myself. Thanks for the support.
Tichrahn
I am so delighted and relieved by your response. I was a little afraid that I might be accused of being a "bad daughter" to go off like this. So I need your reassurance too.
It is really a wonderful time to be us.
Suzanne
Suzanne, Rachel Bellow here. I don't want to use blog commentary space for what should be a private email, but I just wanted to tell you that I literally cyber-tripped and fell into your blog without knowing you had one. Fabulous posts all the way back! This one is especially good. It makes me wonder whether your "everything management" approach will shift upon your return, when you realize that your world survived in your absence. I so often find myself experiencing the resistance, the emotional inertia you describe, before any trip. even a weekend away! When I get back...to find that my daughters did just fine without being able to text me every 20 minutes, my ex-husband weathered a girlfriend crisis without my coaching, my parents managed to ask the right questions at the latest doctor's appointment without my email list in advance...I'm forced to ask myself: hmmmm....who's dependent on whom here?
Can't wait to see your post when you get back! And by the way: you're only allowed 3-oz containers, not 4-oz, and you're not allowed to partially fill a larger one on international flights. If you've already bought the 4-oz containers maybe you should just forget the whole trip.
One of the joys of this kind of community is that you find old kindred spirits as well as new ones. I am so glad to hear from you, Rachel. I know you have been through a tumultuous time, but you sound like you are on solid ground now. I hope so.
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