TRADITIONS AND TRANSITIONS
“Tradition! Tradition!” sings Tevya in the rousing testimonial to rites of passage from “Fidler on the Roof.” Traditions mark transitions. They create community around significant life experiences. And force us to pause and take stock. Indeed, many of us have tried to initiate new traditions to commemorate neglected but major passages – such as a fiftieth birthday or a divorce.
I am thinking about all this because there are two big transitions coming up in my family’s life. One is well-marked milestone: My daughter is graduating from college this month, amid the usual flurry of robes and processions. I will surely cry more than once over the weekend at the realization that with her diploma in hand, she is officially launched into the world. I may even invoke the only insight I salvaged from my long-ago Kahlil (“The Prophet”) Gilbran period: parents are the bows that aim our children - the arrows – into their independent lives.
There is another transition connected to her graduation. It has a name, but no rituals. “The Empty Nest Syndrome” - the adjustments parents must make when children move on – is a passage without a bridge. Many emotions and choices are in play. It can be a liberating time for someone who can finally put herself first after twenty or thirty years in “the emotional management business.” It can be lonely for someone who doesn’t know how. Each parent may feel differently about it – one may be understandably (if a bit guiltily) relieved; the other bereft. Couples, thrown together on their own after years of child-rearing, are confronted with what they do and do not know about each other. Divorced or single parents will be allocating their time and emotional resources – as well as their money - in new ways too. It is hard to track our progress through all these changes. Yet this transition can be as determinative for the rest of our lives as our adolescence – a stage of life marked by an array of benchmarks from religious confirmation services to a first driver’s license.
I’m not arguing for an Empty Nest Mass or an Opened Bedroom Door Blow-out, but simply for a little more respect for the really big transition that particular readjustment is part of. We all – married or not, straight or gay, mothers or aunts, professionally rewarded or struggling to find our place – are crossing the threshold from who we were - in the world we became adults in - toward who we will be in the new stage for women that our generation is creating by living it I often meet women who are thrown by the prospect of entering a new chapter in their lives. Some see it simply as a milestone birthday that must be endured – no big deal. But it is a big deal. In the course of adjusting to the changes taking place in our bodies and our outlook on the world, most of us find ourselves reconsidering many of our priorities, reviewing our options and relationships, and confronting unfamiliar challenges.
That is why this transition takes so much longer than a simple “Welcome to Second Adulthood” party. If we respected the nature and the magnitude of the process, we would be less impatient with ourselves about figuring things out and getting on with it. The real challenge is to explore the possibilities of, as Gloria Steinem puts it, “doing unto yourself as you have been doing unto others.” And that takes time and effort and experimentation. All of us attending graduations should take note of the patience, understanding, and delight we invest in the uneven growing up process of the young and imagine offering the same kind of support to ourselves as we grow up again.
I am thinking about all this because there are two big transitions coming up in my family’s life. One is well-marked milestone: My daughter is graduating from college this month, amid the usual flurry of robes and processions. I will surely cry more than once over the weekend at the realization that with her diploma in hand, she is officially launched into the world. I may even invoke the only insight I salvaged from my long-ago Kahlil (“The Prophet”) Gilbran period: parents are the bows that aim our children - the arrows – into their independent lives.
There is another transition connected to her graduation. It has a name, but no rituals. “The Empty Nest Syndrome” - the adjustments parents must make when children move on – is a passage without a bridge. Many emotions and choices are in play. It can be a liberating time for someone who can finally put herself first after twenty or thirty years in “the emotional management business.” It can be lonely for someone who doesn’t know how. Each parent may feel differently about it – one may be understandably (if a bit guiltily) relieved; the other bereft. Couples, thrown together on their own after years of child-rearing, are confronted with what they do and do not know about each other. Divorced or single parents will be allocating their time and emotional resources – as well as their money - in new ways too. It is hard to track our progress through all these changes. Yet this transition can be as determinative for the rest of our lives as our adolescence – a stage of life marked by an array of benchmarks from religious confirmation services to a first driver’s license.
I’m not arguing for an Empty Nest Mass or an Opened Bedroom Door Blow-out, but simply for a little more respect for the really big transition that particular readjustment is part of. We all – married or not, straight or gay, mothers or aunts, professionally rewarded or struggling to find our place – are crossing the threshold from who we were - in the world we became adults in - toward who we will be in the new stage for women that our generation is creating by living it I often meet women who are thrown by the prospect of entering a new chapter in their lives. Some see it simply as a milestone birthday that must be endured – no big deal. But it is a big deal. In the course of adjusting to the changes taking place in our bodies and our outlook on the world, most of us find ourselves reconsidering many of our priorities, reviewing our options and relationships, and confronting unfamiliar challenges.
That is why this transition takes so much longer than a simple “Welcome to Second Adulthood” party. If we respected the nature and the magnitude of the process, we would be less impatient with ourselves about figuring things out and getting on with it. The real challenge is to explore the possibilities of, as Gloria Steinem puts it, “doing unto yourself as you have been doing unto others.” And that takes time and effort and experimentation. All of us attending graduations should take note of the patience, understanding, and delight we invest in the uneven growing up process of the young and imagine offering the same kind of support to ourselves as we grow up again.
posted by Suzanne Braun Levine at 7:47 AM
3 Comments:
Congratualtions on your daughters college graduation - a big event for the entire family. I don't remember giving my family proper credit for their contribution at the time of my graduation, but having my own kids has allowed me to convey MANY unsaid thanks to my parents - I grew as a parent to understand what MY parents endured... and achieved.
Empty nest; that phrase rolls off my husbands tongue much easier than it does mine - in fact I don't think it's a phrase I use, it seems so, well, empty. With one graduated and one in his senior year of college I'm given to the idea of looking at this transition as a process; theirs and mine. I still remember sending the second one off to college and making sure my weekends were jam-packed with avoidance activities - golf, movies, weekend trips - anything to not have to face that empty house on the weekend. Then one weekend in the later part of September I thought - we can stay home this weekend, I'm okay. And it was not only okay, it was wonderful! Stereo blaring OUR music, eating OUR kind of food - we moved on. But it was a process - baby steps - to a new normal and letting go of the daily emotional management.
Today, I don't have as much time for the emotional management business of others - in attempting to remember who I am I've got to get caught up on managing me again and it's turning out to be a full time job. Another process, another letting go of who I have been for the past 24 years both as mother and regarding career path; and figuring out what I want to do next.
Suzanne, your last paragraph is where I am - I'm heading out today to find your book. I'm accepting that it takes a village to find ourselves again no matter how clever and smart we think we are - we still need to be mentored, heard and connected to others to ease us into new streams of life.
I too am there and thankful for your insights and sharing comments. As my youngest moves off to college in August and I am alone here in a 4 bedroom house on 30 acres of woods, I am looking to open my home to a new living arrangement. Being divorced for eight years now, after a 23 year marriage, I have not dated very much and depend on my women friends for most of my social life and companionship. I am looking forward to this new chapter in my life as I have more time for me and my creative pursuits. In that endeavor I am considering several business options that may include letting my female partners move in with me, as we establish a business and explore the future together. In it's earliest stages, the plan is developing and I am having faith that all will work out for the best for all concerned.
So let's celebrate LIFE and it's many changes and blossom as the women we have always been meant to become.
I am so happy I found your site. When my daughter was a senior in high school and I was at the parent meeting with orange folders filled about our child's senior year and choosing a college, I had an ah ha moment. I realized I was going to be an empty nester and didn't want to go through that journey alone. I asked my friend sitting next to me, "If I start a support group, will you come." "For sure" she replied. Long story short, I started the group, then a web, and then I launched and created Empty Nest Support Services. I took a leap and left my career as a Speech and Language Therapist. I have been so fortunate to connect with women across the country who want to unfold what is next for them and to learn how to have an adult relationship with their children. We are a community of gigglers and criers who now need our hearts and hands held just as we did and still do at times for our children. My new bath towels read compassion and curiosity...that is what has helped me through many changes in my life. I am so close to my daughter and both of us have changed and are still changing our roles with each other. My best advice to myself has been , "count to five before I call or email her." Letting go... a life journey as I am aging, my parents are ill , and I am still full of energy and wonderment about life. I am off to get your book and again, thank you for having this site. We need community. Take care, Natalie
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