Janey O'Brien Strub and Sean Strub

Sean’s mother’s aversion to the word “feminist” is an example of the familiar ”I’m not a feminist, but……” syndrome – a woman who walks the walk but doesn’t feel comfortable with the talk. It is clear to me – and to her son – that Janey was a feminist in spirit, which is where it counts. — Suzanne Braun Levine

This poem was written in the 1970s, either by my Mom or my Aunt Kitty or possibly it was a collaboration.  I found it in a treasured papers folder of my mother’s, paper-clipped to a copy of The Yellow Wallpaper, a famous short story by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.  The only other papers in the folder related to the children’s book (“The Polka Dot Dilly”) my Mom and Kitty wrote and illustrated together.

Whenever I suggested to my Mom that she was really a feminist, she would get annoyed.  Sometimes she said I had “accused her” of being a feminist, as though that was something terrible.  She supported equal rights, was offended by gender-based inequities, raised her daughters as she raised her sons and taught us all the importance of independence and self-reliance.  But would she identify as a “feminist”?  No way.

If I were you and you were me,
Then who’d be who when we were we?
If both of us are just us two,
Which us is me and which is you?

I know, I know, it’s easy to see
that you are you and I am me!
I know, I know, it’s silly to fuss,
but which is me when we are us?

If she joins he and he joins she,
Then are they they or she and he?
If you and he team up in two’s,
Then are you you or are you you’s?

I know, I know, it’s silly to stew,
But is you one or is you two?
I know, I know, it’s silly to fuss,
But which is me when we are us?

– Janey O’Brien Strub and Kathleen O’Brien Gallagher

The Yellow Wallpaper, one of Gilman’s most popular works, originally published in 1892 before her marriage to George Houghton Gilman.

Recently I came upon a photograph of myself in my first bikini (it was really a two-piece, compared to what goes as a bikini these days) and I was struck by how good I looked. That thought lasted about two minutes until I realized that when that picture was taken, I thought I looked fat and bulky; I was not happy to be looked at. Then I realized that I feel the same way today. Fat and bulky. Plus, wrinkled and saggy. What a waste, I thought, not feeling good about my body back then. And just as much of a waste feeling ashamed of it now. As one woman said to me after having the same then-and-now photo revelation, “We’d better start appreciating ourselves now or we will look back in a few years and wish we looked as good as we did then.” It’s time to get rid of this second guessing about our appearance, and try to accept that even if our bodies don’t look as good as they once did, we can feel better about our Selves than we did back then.

Many of us have had body image problems all our lives. Most of us have body image problems now that our bodies are changing. Some of it is due to growing up in a culture where women were supposed to be beautiful, and thin and doll-like. That made it impossible for me to appreciate how I looked as opposed to how models and celebrities and role models told me I was supposed to look. (There is some consolation in the certitude that those same models and celebrities are sagging now too.)

One way to look at the current situation is that the pressure is finally off. In the same way as we are reconsidering our expectations in many areas of our lives, women tell me of changing their standards for what they expected from their bodies; one woman put it this way, “You know I’m into ‘fit’ now as opposed to ‘fat.’ I may not look as glamorous, but I can put my suitcase up on the rack on the airplane. I get so much satisfaction out of feeling strong and fit that I don’t focus so much on skin tone and all those things that you can’t do anything about.” My trainer tells me that she has noticed that when her clients turn fifty or when they go through menopause, or become grandparents, they get serious about being healthy and fit; they aren’t so much exercising for appearance as they are for long-term health and for feeling strong. The body image is internal. I often laugh at myself because I used to look fit on the outside and I was nothing but flab on the inside, now it’s the reverse.

We all have good days and bad days, and there’s no getting around that. But we have a new source of healing humor. I have had some of my best laughs with my friends when we get together and someone announces that she’s discovered a new decrepitude. First of all it’s a relief because we’ve probably noticed it on ourselves and not wanted to pay attention to it, but also the camaraderie is infinitely supportive. What I hate are the put-downs, the birthday cards and snide poems that make cruel fun of our looks; when we laugh at those, we are laughing at ourselves, not with each other. For me, there is a big difference between the sort of empowering laughter, and the humor that is, to me anyway, a continuation of the self-disgust that we grew up with.

The pressure is off in other areas too. Including sex. We used to be encouraged to see other women as rivals, so we always had to compare ourselves to them and try to be sexier, or more beautiful or thinner. Now that we are, for the most part, all on the same side, the self-doubt can be handled differently. Many of the women I have interviewed for my next book How We Love Now have told me that when they find a right relationship in their fifties and sixties it’s amazing how un-self-conscious they feel when they get down to the sex part, that they just feel accepted for who they are by themselves and by the other person. What they are focusing on is not how they look, but on how they feel, on what will give them pleasure and their partner pleasure rather than on how they look.

There is a scene in the movie “It’s Complicated” – directed by Nancy Myer — that takes place the morning after the Meryl Streep character has just slept with her ex, played by Alec Baldwin. He waddles off into the bathroom looking… his age, while she gets up smiling and starts wrapping herself up in the sheet. He is confused. “But we were naked last night, what are you doing this for?” And she replies, “We were lying down then.” That line embodies (get it?) the kind of good-natured acceptance of how her body looks with gratitude for how it works.

Finding material to write about is not always easy. One route is the memoir, which is built on revealing material you know well. Or you can write about something you don’t know well but would like to learn about. I combine the two by weaving some – but not all – of my own life story with answers to the question “What’s going on with women?” I have spent most of my professional life chronicling that transformation of women’s lives at different stages, and the experience has, in turn, inspired and empowered my own. Every time over the past forty years that I posed the question “What’s going on with women?” the answers were different.

I first became curious about something “going on” was back in the seventies when I was editor of Ms. magazine. Our readers were high school students and grandmothers, home-makers and rebels but if there was one driving editorial principle behind that breakthrough journalistic adventure, it was that if one woman was experiencing something, it was certain that other women were too, only they were not talking about it; the magazine needed to tell such stories and open up the conversation.

When in my early fifties I began to feel dissatisfied and restless that faith in shared experience led me to suspect that there was “something going on.” I checked it out with other women, and sure enough, they felt it too. Inventing the Rest of Our Lives: Women in Second Adulthood was the result of my search for understanding and reassurance that I wasn’t crazy – or under some menopausal spell – and neither were the hundreds of women I talked to. (I have always loved a T-shirt I saw once that said, “This is not a hot flash. It’s a power surge.”) After that book came out, other women who were in the process of navigating that transition came forward, and described their versions of our shared experience. The more we shared, the more I began to see some guiding insights that would be helpful to anyone negotiating the bumpy road to the new stage of life. For me Fifty Is the New Fifty: Ten Life Lessons for Women in Second Adulthood was a kind of personal stock-taking based on what I had learned form other women’s discoveries and disappointments as well as my own.

My newest book (due our next Valentine’s Day) – How We Love Now: Sex and The New Intimacy in Second Adulthood - is a deeper exploration of the new stage of life we are defining as we go along through the all-important lens of love. And sex.

In this case there was another dimension to the “What’s going on?” challenge: Not only was I exploring my own hang-ups and choices, and not only was I gathering experiences from other women, but the women themselves were hearing what they were saying about themselves for the first time. In many cases – especially in the context of sex – they hadn’t dared put into words, even to themselves, why they were doing what they were doing or longing to do.

“I can’t believe I am telling you this. I must be crazy” was a common exclamation. I knew – and they need to hear – that they weren’t crazy or alone, that what they were concerned or curious about was on the minds of countless other women. I write to enter into a supportive conversation among women like them – on the page.

– Suzanne Braun Levine

Happy Anniversary, She Writes!

”She Writes is a community, virtual workplace, and emerging marketplace for women who write, with over 15,000 active members from all 50 states and more than 30 countries. Leveraging social media tools and harnessing women’s collaborative power, She writes is fast becoming the destination for all women who write.”

www.shewrites.com

One thing about being an older mother is that you are constantly reminded of the truism that age doesn’t really describe the shape of a person’s life. Nor does our place on the family tree, the generation we are assigned to at birth. When my daughter was born I was 44, old enough to be her grandmother. When she went to school, I was old enough to be her teachers’ (and her friends parents’) mother. At the same time my contemporaries had long since forgotten about coping with babies and young children – they were on to the joys of grandchildren. My most meaningful cohort was other women with children my children’s age, but not my age themselves.

In other words, for most of my adult life I have belonged to no generation – or all generations. If anything defined me it was in the trajectory of my life, not where I was in the timeline of my life. Therefore, even though the teachers were half my age, their insights about my child and their expertise about teaching made for a very intimate and respectful relationship. They had acquired an understanding of children in their short lives that I was in need of at that parenting starting point in my long life.

Only now that I am way beyond bonding with other parents of young children and just one more “older woman” have I become aware of the ageism that abounds in our culture and the way our accumulated years divide us. More than once I have been chatting with a young man and catch his eyes floating away over my shoulder. I am rarely asked what I “do” although I am still doing it. And “dear” has become a put-down in my dictionary.

Having experienced the intergenerational community of those years when the age of my child was more meaningful than my own, I don’t want to lose that in my Second Adulthood, the new stage of life that we – older mothers, empty nesters, childless-by-choice friends, women in the process of starting over – are all defining as we live it. We are demonstrating that self-invention is a life long process. That is a starting point for a bond among women of all generations.

But there are obstacles to finding common ground. One is that we are not in the same place at the same time often enough. That’s fairly easy to remedy. The technological barrier is a little harder to work around. Women my age talk of a culture gaps in the workplace; for example, we older workers are used to stepping into a colleague’s office to touch base.

To a younger woman, the face at the door is an intrusion; e-mail is the way to go. Technology also enables young women to meet and share and protest in ways that we have a hard time keeping up with. If we are going to “sit down over a cup of coffee” – virtual or not – we will have to meet (or tweet) them half-way.

I believe that women young enough to be our daughters (but aren’t) want to connect with us as much as we want to connect with them. I experience it personally in the tense alliance between waves of feminism. We Women’s Movement types complain that the younger ones have abandoned the cause; the younger ones resent what they perceive as our assumption that we defined the cause for all time. The mass marches that we associate with activism have been replaced by on-line mobilization and actions that we have been slow to sign on to.

Yet when we do engage each other over the issues, they want to know what it was like for us; they want to test their ideas out and get knowing – but not condescending – feedback. And they want to know how it is for us now.

At first I was surprised when a young woman would come up to me after a bookstore reading with two copies of my first book Inventing the Rest of Our Lives – “one for my mother and one for me,” they would say – but I came to understand that they wanted to read about their own futures. They understand that we are opening up possibilities that they can look forward to taking advantage of when they get there. Together we can be nourished by a community of women, which has no age requirements for entry.

I’m not big on change. Most of us aren’t. That becomes a bigger problem the more choices we have and the more restless we feel. Second Adulthood is about choices and restlessness and trying something new, but that means change, and many of us get stuck at the edge of the diving board.

And some of us get a push, which at the time seems like the worst day of our lives. In my work that happened to me twice. The first time the magazine I loved was sold and the new owners wanted to bring in new blood; otherwise I would have stayed on forever – slug that I am – and missed out on the rest of my career. The second time, after several years of tension with the publisher, I was asked “to step down.” Being fired is one of life’s most devastating experiences; how can you go out and sell yourself when you have just been pronounced a failure? In my case I also had to face the fact that I was at the end of the road in terms of magazine editing – there simply weren’t any left that I was right for.

My well-meaning friends peppered me with ideas, most of which had to do with writing. After all, writing and editing are both word jobs. What they didn’t understand was that the way I saw it, editing was about making someone else’s ideas better, and writing was about having your own ideas and putting them out there. I had gotten all the way to my fifties without feeling I had anything to say. Because I felt I had no other choice – because I was pushed – I began to explore what I wanted to tell people. That was – as many people who are dislodged from one kind of work say – the “best thing that could have happened.”

What’s more it couldn’t have happened any earlier. By the time I was fired I was well into the delicious “I don’t care what other people think” stage of reinvention. The reward of that liberating defiance is that you begin to believe “I care more what I think.” A lifetime of listening for what other people thought, felt, needed – listening for other voices – had muted my own. But having to write – having to express my own ideas, with conviction – has, over a decade later, has enabled me to speak up, speak out, and say what I know. Change, however unwelcome at the time, turned out to be a gift.

Somewhere along the way someone called my attention to the W.H. Auden’s poem “Leap before you look”; it has helped me understand the paralyzing power of risk-taking by suggesting that “fear” and “change” can be dealt with separately. The first line is “The sense of danger must not disappear”; that is where the joy of discovery comes from. The concluding line is “Our dream of safety has to disappear.” We learn that lesson every day. As we experience aging, we understand two things: that there is danger ahead and that we need to let go of the notion that if we give our all, we can make safety happen. Which is why the best place to be is in the present. So leap!

Resources:

AARP
http://www.aarp.org

Encore Careers
http://www.encore.org

The Transition Network
www.thetransitionnetwork.org

Catalyst
http://catalyst.org

Center for Women’s Business Research
http://www.nfwbo.org

Count Me In
http://www.count-me-in.org

Retirement or What Next?
http://www.retirementorwhatnext.com

SeniorNet
http://www.seniornet.org

Women@WorkNetwork
http://womenaworknetwork.com

Women Redefining Life after 50…

Smarter, Bolder, Older™ – a one-day event for women 50+ – grew out of my own experience of aging and conversations with other women. I am committed to changing the stereotype of aging and loss in midlife to one of vitality, embracing new opportunities and possibilities as women in midlife and beyond get clear on what matters and makes the most of this stage of their lives.

I wanted to create an environment where women could come together to share, network and experience this time in our lives as unique and exciting. More than seventy women gathered in a welcoming space in April 2011 for a rich dialogue (in Upper Nyack, NY) and together we explored common questions:

• What’s important to you at 50+ and how is it different than in previous years?
• What energizes and inspires you about growing older?
• What challenges you?
• What would you like to experience and create?

We shared stories about aging, honored women who have led inspiring lives into their 70’s and beyond, and participated in guided lyrical movement patterns to explore power, purpose and transformation. An art installation featured images from the upcoming book: “Goddess on Earth, Portraits of the Divine Feminine” (LUSH Press, July 2011) and we had a performance by Moving Mantras.

We donated the registration fee to The Rockland Community Foundation’s programs for Women and Girls. This was an important aspect of creating the event.

The entire day and response to the event was exhilarating:

“Amazing opportunity…I’m feeling more energized and more focused already!”

“Thank you just doesn’t seem enough for the wonder of the day at ‘Smarter, Bolder, Older.’ And – as many testified — ‘get our bearings’ once again for own creativity and our place in the world”

Enid Weishaus, MSW, founder of Smarter, Bolder, Older™. She previously held positions as Regional Director for Senators Clinton and Gillibrand in the Lower Hudson Valley. Enid teaches success strategies and presentation skills to women who want to be entrepreneurs. For more information, please contact: enidweishaus@optonline.net.

We’re celebrating “50 Is the New Fifty,” with a Contest for Women in Second Adulthood. Tell us how you celebrated the New 50, 60 or 70? The first 10 women to share their birthday stories will receive an autographed copy of 50 Is the New Fifty – 10 Life Lessons for Women In Second Adulthood.

We know that Fifty Is the New Fifty. Sixty, is also the new sixty, and seventy the new seventy. And the women who are the new fifty, sixty, and seventy wouldn’t want to be anything else. This is exhilarating new stage of life.

While each of us is on our own remarkable journey, we can count on other women to keep us company along the way. Sharing stories with each other has always been part of how women move forward together.

Please share your story…

Go to the ‘Comment Section’- tell us about your birthday! 10 winners will receive an autographed copy of the book from my publisher (Plume Books). We’ll need your name & address – please send to Karin Lippert, Klippert26@aol.com.

Some of my favorite comments about “Fifty Is the New Fifty”:

“Suzanne Braun Levine’s honest and empowering book is the antidote to all those anti-aging creams and glum pronouncements about life after fifty. It explains why for me, and for so many other women, this has turned out to be the most free, creative, and rewarding time of life.” — Isabella Rossellini

“No more pretended youth! Suzanne Braun Levine shows us the wisdom and joys of living in pour own personal present. For women who have been pressured into living the past over and over again, Fifty Is the New Fifty is the first true age liberation.” – Gloria Steinem

“Fifty Is the New Fifty is just what I expected from Suzanne Braun Levine–useful, comforting, and smart.” – Jane Fonda

“Levine confirms what women have been telling one another in private–this is a wonderful stage and we can each claim it in our own way.” – Marlo Thomas

“FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY” -
For Immediate Release from Plume Books
We are ALL at the height of our Power!

“Well the first thing I want to say about Fifty is the New Fifty, is that it’s not the whole title. The whole title is 50 is the New Fifty, 60 is the new Sixty and 70 is the New Seventy…and who cares about birthdays anyway. The best thing is that we are all at the height of our power, and we feel that this is the most exciting time.”
-Suzanne Braun Levine

“I was told being mostly a model and an actress that growing old was going to be very difficult for me, so I was bracing myself. Instead I found that with age what continued to grow was a certain lightness, and a certain pleasure and freedom, and it was wonderful to read Fifty is the New Fifty and see that a lot of women feel that.”
- Isabella Rossellini

“I love where I am, it’s so liberating, I love being 50. When there’s a crisis you just kind of breathe right through it. It feels really good.”
- Rep. Donna F. Edwards (D-MD)

“I want to say to everybody at More magazine and to women who are afraid to mention their age or talk about age, and to the celebrities who want to be on the cover, but don’t want to talk about their age: ’You guys are going there whether you like it or not!’”
- Lesley Jane Seymour

“I’m especially grateful to Suzanne for the overall title of Fifty is the New Fifty, because it’s like the Zen message of aging, ‘We are where we are.’ And, I’m also grateful to her for expanding her title – I’m 75. The good news is I can still do what I’ve always done. But, the bad news is I think I’m immortal which then causes me to plan very poorly.”
-Gloria Steinem

___________________________________________

From the moment she took her “first step” backward off a ninety-foot cliff in an Outward Bound Program, to fulfill a personal mission and reconnect with her inner Tomboy at fifty, Suzanne Braun Levine has invented her own second adulthood.  Her declaration: “Fifty is the New Fifty it is not the new Thirty,” on the opening page of FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY: 10 Life Lessons for Women in Second Adulthood (Now Available in Paperback/ Plume/ April 2010) celebrates the confidence and camaraderie of women fifty, sixty and seventy who are happy where they are and would not want to turn the clock back.

FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY and her previous book Inventing The Rest of Our Lives have defined and inspired a generation of women. “Our bond is common experience and the honesty with which we share it,” says Levine.

As women become the largest sector of the work force and the major breadwinners in many households, their roles are changing and new role models are emerging. Women in Second Adulthood – 37 million strong and growing are becoming each other’s ‘horizontal role models’, taking charge of their life, work and relationships.

What is important about second adulthood, Levine has found is that “the range of things we learn about ourselves – our bodies, our brains, our relationships and our approach to the world -  is as wide as it was when we were adolescents.” It is a stage filled with questioning what’s next, a quest for mastery and authenticity, and wondering ‘Who is this person saying NO’ with confidence and a new bravado. Levine describes this questioning period – the Fertile Void - with exuberance and candor.

FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY: 10 Life Lessons for Women in Second Adulthood reads like a conversation among women friends – a circle of trust – who are generous, brave, funny, wise, and engaged in claiming their empowerment. Whether, it is rolling with the punches of a crisis (recovering from a divorce or cancer), seeing risks as opportunities, saying ‘No’ (“No, I won’t make cupcakes!”), questioning the meaning of work or putting themselves at the top of their ‘To Do List,’ Levine has captured the details of women’s changing lives. And, she has transformed their lives and her own into life lessons grounded in the experiences of women on the front lines of this new stage.

The ‘lessons’ in the book are a distillation of interviews with individual women, callers to radio shows, and her many lecturer appearances for groups like the Transition Network  and her own circle of trust.  She compares the ‘truths’ of this on-going conversation  with women to those shared by mothers who find themselves on adjoining benches at a playground – tidbits of advice and commiserating about body changes, sleepless nights, and ultimately leading up to a rousing tide of knowing laughter. Recognizing the importance of friendship is part of a recalibration of ‘What Matters Most’ to women in second adulthood. Whether it is dealing with the loss of a friend or sharing the simple companionship of like-minded women which Levine says, “gives us courage, reduces stress, and is the best problem-solving environment there is, and the laughter women generate together is the elixir of life.”

“My hope is this book is like a welcome message in a bottle for women sent to them by a circle of trust, a circle that continues to grow and evolve,” says Levine. “We all have a lot more to share and I will be along on the journey to chronicle our every step.”

About Suzanne Braun Levine
Suzanne Braun Levine is a writer, editor and nationally recognized authority on women and family issues, and media. She’s chronicled and fostered change in women’s lives as the first editor of Ms. magazine and today as a contributing editor of More magazine. She is a lecturer, appears frequently on television, and is an advisor to several women’s and media groups, and organizations dealing with midlife issues. She defined a new stage of life – Women in Second Adulthood – and reports on the ongoing changes in women’s lives in her books and on her website.

Questions for Suzanne Braun Levine

What is the ‘Good News’ about being Fifty, Sixty, Seventy?
Women in Second Adulthood don’t want to be younger. They don’t buy into, “Fifty is the New Thirty!” and are happy where they are!

This is new stage is exhilarating. It is defined by change, the urge to bring new elements into the mix of our lives, to revise our established lifestyle, and most important, we feel empowered and confident that we can cope with whatever comes.

And, this is ‘Good News’ not only for my generation but also for younger women because they now have role models for what is possible after 50!

What is the ‘Bad News’ if there is any? What hasn’t changed enough?
Two things haven’t changed near enough. One is the burden of caregiving that falls upon women of all ages without any support from the society we live in. The other is ageism. It is very hard to convince yourself that you are as happy and fulfilled as you feel when the world around you is blowing you off. We have to make sure that we don’t make things worse by buying into the youth obsession.

Which of the 10 Lessons in the book was the hardest for you? The easiest?
The most difficult – and I think men will never understand how hard it is for women – was Lesson #4 – “No is not a Four-Letter Word.” Saying ‘No’ is extremely difficult for women. But now, I am constantly surprised how little trauma happens when I say No. I always thought the world would come to an end and everybody would hate me.  I realized that most of the time it’s accepted as the natural order of things – you say, no, you say, yes – sometimes they come after you, but the nice thing about being this age is you feel like you can take it.

I don’t know about easiest, but the corollary to Saying No is “Do Unto Yourself as You Have Been Doing Unto Others” Lesson #6. Women are taught to be selfless, but once you start to say ‘No’ you find out what you need and want to do.

How do you gather the life stories that you use throughout the book?
Writing books about my life and women in second adulthood gives me an excuse to butt in to people’s lives. I eavesdrop on conversations; I ask impertinent questions of women I meet; I ask very personal questions of my friends. And I use my network and the Internet to find women with experiences to share.  I am amazed and touched by how forthright, funny, and smart we all are.

How has your life changed since you began writing about women in Second Adulthood?
In figuring out what is going on for our generation of women, I have figured out a lot about the confusion, fear, and expectations that hit me as I entered this new stage of life – the part I call the ‘Fertile Void.’  It has also been exhilarating gaining insight into my life from hundreds of other women, dozens of experts, and some of the smartest writers and researchers.

And, by writing about it I have found my own voice for the first time in my life. I had always been an editor and so at first it was difficult for me put my [own story into my writing], but my editor convinced me. The more I realized that I had things to say, the more I was anxious to say them, and the prouder I was of having said them. Putting my ideas and myself out there was, in fact, the biggest risk.

Are you writing another book on Second Adulthood? What will you be exploring next?

My next book is about – get ready for this – LOVE!  The more I learn about how we are getting to know ourselves and how we are redefining women’s experience, the more I am aware of changes we are making in the way we love, whom we love, and how we define intimacy, devotion, passion, and commitment. I am encountering wonderful stories that I am sure will surprise and delight women – those who have read my other books and those who are beginning to question the changes they are experiencing.

For Interviews, please contact:

Buy the book from PenguinGroup.com

FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY:
Ten Life Lessons for Women in Second Adulthood
By Suzanne Braun Levine
Author of Inventing the Rest of Our Lives

I’ve been advised to write an upbeat end-of-year note – to reinforce the message of my writing, which is that women over fifty are feeling upbeat about themselves and their prospects. And that certainly applies to me. My kids and friends are good; my husband has opened the art gallery of his dreams; and my mother is drifting off peacefully (so far). I have reconnected with old friends, which is an amazing gift; my longtime friends continue to nourish me and one another (one had major back surgery, but is recovering) and continue to do good work.

I have been energized by the groups of women I have talked with about where our lives are and about Fifty Is the New Fifty (which is coming out in paperback in the spring). Moreover, what could be more optimistic on my part than starting a new book – about love, no less!

BUT I find it hard to be encouraged about the world we are living in.  Every time something good looks about to happen, it is undermined by greed or vengeance or negativity or failure of will. Decent people struggle, poor people suffer, nature is assaulted, and the people in charge seem more interested in wielding power than using it to change things.  As Big Daddy keeps bellowing (in “Cat on A Hot Tin Roof”) mendacity is everywhere.

So, is there anything upbeat to say about the new year and the new decade?  I think so.  Because of the energy, decency, and courage of countless people like those I meet and write about and love, I do believe that change is possible. That is my message to myself. I want to bring my own sense of empowerment to the world beyond my own. And I intend to do that by taking my own words to heart and adapting some of the Life Lessons from Fifty Is The New Fifty to my 2010 game plan.

NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.  It is one thing to hope for change; it is another thing to get it moving.  I know – and I intend to keep reminding myself – that even the smallest movement in the right direction can set off a chain of meaningful consequences.

NO IS NOT A FOUR LETTER WORD.  I plan to make it my business to say “no” more often, especially when my inclination is to look the other way or give in.

AGE IS NOT A DISEASE. When I attribute my what-a-mess attitude to becoming the stereotypical crotchety old lady, whose life work is to complain until she drops, I will remind myself that I am at the most influential and dynamic stage of my life, and I’d better use it, not lose it..

BOTH IS THE NEW EITHER/OR. Seeing things in black and white, denouncing flawed behavior, dismissing a good action from a bad source – that kind of thinking has to go. The mellowness and ability to roll with the punches that has come to us as we become older and wiser can keep us on a search for the best outcome under the circumstances.

A “CIRCLE OF TRUST” IS A MUST. Since what is so discouraging in my current world view is a lack of trust in our institutions, our leaders, and human nature, I must look to the people I do trust and the good that they are doing for inspiration – as well as love.
If each of us can be what I call a “Horizontal Role Model” for the rest of us, we can make 2010 a year that counts for ourselves and for the future.

http://www.bluestonegallerymilford.com

POEMS OF PONDS, PINEWOODS, PROVINCETOWN AND LIFE

The Journey

I cited the Mary Oliver poem “The Journey” at the beginning of the Fertile Void chapter in Inventing the Rest of our Lives because it spoke so evocatively about the trepidation we feel as we enter unknown territory. The lines “and there was a new voice/ which you slowly/ recognized as your own” in particular resonate with so many women in transition.

This week as I listened to her voice on “Provincetown: A Poet’s Landscape,” with a slide show of photos that accompany Mary Duenwald’s article in The New York Times (“The Land and Words of Mary Oliver, the Bard of Provincetown”) I was reminded of the power of her insights.

Her poems are on many websites and YouTube – we’ve included one video here. As one admirer wrote on Amazon about Evidence: Poems (Oliver’s most recent collection), “It is experience, thought, and feeling distilled as few can do so well as Oliver.”

Mary Oliver says poems are meant to be read out loud.
Read in your own voice.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop…
…as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds.
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world.
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

–Mary Oliver, The Journey

From “Dream Works” by Mary Oliver
Copyright ©1986 by Mary Oliver,
Grove/Atlantic, Inc.