Valentine’s Day celebrates loving and being loved. But, for much of our lives, the festivities commemorated a kind of Romance that our own relationships could only approximate – a sticky sweetness that the classic heart-shaped box of candy symbolized. I don’t know about you, but I could never finish one of those chocolates with the syrupy inside. “Romance” as it was understood back then is also more sweet dream than nourishing reality. In Second Adulthood, though, reality is becoming a priority. We find ourselves on a quest for personal authenticity, and in the process, we are rediscovering the many sources of real love in our lives.

The image of Romantic love we grew up with is about as far away from authenticity as you can get. The ideal partners – the Mr. Right and me – were people that we never knew. Many of the euphoric emotions we were supposed to feel were scripted by others who wrote novels and movies and song lyrics. Aspiring to that scenario’s ideals sent many of us off in the wrong direction.

As I interviewed women for my new book on love at midlife I heard over and over again that authenticity means experiencing The Real Thing on each woman’s own terms. Not by any other measure.

We’ve all heard about women our age who meet up with their old boyfriends, and fall in love with them big time when they have a second chance. Why didn’t they make it the first time? One reason is that the second time around a woman is looking for qualities that she may not have appreciated before. A big one is “niceness.”

Twenty or thirty years ago when most of my friends were “courting,” they would often admit with dismay, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, he’s just too nice.” or “I m not attracted to him, he’s too nice.” What does that mean? “Niceness” doesn’t conform to the Romantic standard – being swept of your feet by a slightly bad boy, who always keeps you guessing. My friends’ confusion also reflected their own doubts about being loveable; anybody who is nice to you has to be some kind of jerk.

With the growing self-confidence and self-awareness that we are now relishing, we can begin to appreciate that being loved – for our less-than-perfect selves – is at least as important a condition for true romance (with a lower-case “L”) as is loving someone else for their own (less-than-perfect) self. Now that’s a notion worth celebrating.

—–

We will be talking about Love, Romance, “Niceness” and Second Adulthood on Feisty Side of Fifty Radio. Join our conversation.

Date: 2/5/2011

Time: 2:00 PM (Eastern), 11:00 AM (Pacific)

Click here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/feisty-side-of-fifty

THE NATIONAL VILLAGE

GATHERING, PHILADELPHIA, PA

We know it works for children. And, now we are learning being part of a village makes aging easier too!

Imagine a village where members volunteer to help each other with some of the daily tasks that become a little more difficult as we age, that offer social connections and events beyond the standard golf game and bring people of all ages together to create a vibrant community.

Sound wonderful?

The Village to Village Network (Vtv Network http://bit.ly/beYli7) concept is about providing a range of services and access to personal care resources to those who want to ‘age in place’ (their own homes). It allows people in second adulthood to remain active members in their communities, and provides volunteer opportunities for people of all ages.

I will be speaking at the National Village Gathering on Thursday, November 11, 2010 at 9:30 a.m. I am looking forward to meeting the pioneers of this movement from across America whose mottos include:

“I am part of a Village because…I’ve made wonderful friends…My community helps me stay fit…coffee tastes better with friends…I Iike to do my own shopping…and much more.”

To find out more about the National Village Gathering, see below and visit:

http://bit.ly/bELOYV

VILLAGE TO VILLAGE NATIONAL GATHERING

When: Thursday, Nov. 11, 2010, 8:00 AM to Friday, Nov. 12, 2010, 3:00 PM

Where: Doubletree Hotel Philadelphia

237 South Broad Street

Philadelphia, PA 19107-5686

1-215-893-1600

Contact: Rita Kostiuk, 617-299-9638, Rita@vtvnetwork.org

*Advance Registration & Fee required.



Dear Suzanne,

I’m half-way through your terrific book, and couldn’t wait to write you; I’m underlining on every page, and have just ordered two more copies, gift-wrapped, for friends turning fifty.

A few months ago, my own book, The Gift of an Ordinary Day: A Mother’s Memoir, was published by Grand Central. I didn’t know it till this morning, when I began reading yours, that what I’d actually written was missive from deep within The Fertile Void. There were many times, during the writing when I completely lost confidence in what I was doing. (I’d send chapters to my mom, asking, “Will anyone be interested in this?” And she would call to say, “Well, I’m interested, but of course, I KNOW you.” Not terribly encouraging.) When the book came out, it felt uncomfortable, as if I were running around town in my pajamas — not exactly naked, but weirdly exposed
and vulnerable. And then the letters started coming in, from women who said, “I feel as if you are writing the thoughts in my mind.”
That’s when I began to relax, and to realize that, as you say, we are all more alike than different. And that we can find our Horizontal
Role Models at every turn. My readers are my role models these days, as I am theirs; the conversation has been amazing.

Anyway, I love your website, and your message. At fifty-one, I have already found myself hesitating on occasion to reveal my age, because
I think that the younger mothers who write to me will feel that I’m too out of touch with their challenges. And then they surprise me, by saying that I give them some idea of what lies ahead, just up the road and around the corner from where they are.

I’d love to send you a copy of my book, if you tell me where to send it. And I hope you’ll drop in on my website too. (My great claim to
fame at the moment is a YouTube video that’s making the rounds–a total surprise, but I’m also really proud of it; in a way, the process
of writing–and then going out to meet my readers–has led me out of the Fertile Void into a brand new place.)

All best, and thank you for writing the perfect book!

Katrina Kenison

http://www.katrinakenison.com

Click here to watch the YouTube Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olSyCLJU3O0

Photo Credit: Angela Jimenez for The New York Times

Ever since the June, 2009 White House hosted an event salute to social innovators who are in their Encore Careers, Civic Ventures www.civicventures.org and Encore.org have been in the news.

On March 3, 2010 The New York Times (by Elizabeth Pope) reported on “Matching Life Experience With New Careers:”

“HEALTH navigator? Conflict coach? Pollution mitigation outreach worker? These emerging jobs aren’t household terms yet, but they are a natural fit for older people looking for new career opportunities, said Phyllis Segal, vice president at Civic Ventures, a nonprofit research group based in San Francisco.
“Many of today’s new encore careers build on multiple work and life experiences, so they are a good match for older adults who’ve spent decades in the workplace,” Ms. Segal said.”

[To read more, click here]

And most recently, The New York Times praised the work of Marc Freedman, who started Encore Careers and initiated the pilot program for baby boomers to transition into second careers (March 19, 2010, by Sarah Kershaw): “Ready for Life’s Encore Performances”:

“IN the back room of a neighborhood restaurant here (Palo Alto, CA) a small group of men and women in their 50s gathered recently to mark a milestone. “I feel like when historians look back and think about this salmon lunch at MacArthur Park, they’ll see this was a real turning point,” said Marc Freedman, who started a pilot program for baby boomers to transition into second careers.

These 10 executives had all left their high-paying jobs in the private sector and joined the pilot program, and this was their formal graduation. They had taken a step familiar to some high school or college students: take a year off to regroup, rethink and figure out what they want to be when they grow up.”

[To read more, click here]

As Marc Freedman has said, “In tough economic times, we need more creative solutions to long-standing social problems. It’s reassuring to note that as America ages, we have creativity in greater abundance. Purpose Prize winners show that experience and innovation can go hand in hand, that inventiveness is not the sole province of the young.”
Please join me in saluting these wonderful organizations.
For more information, please visit:

www.encore.org

www.civicventures.org

“FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY” -
For Immediate Release from Plume Books
We are ALL at the height of our Power!

“Well the first thing I want to say about Fifty is the New Fifty, is that it’s not the whole title. The whole title is 50 is the New Fifty, 60 is the new Sixty and 70 is the New Seventy…and who cares about birthdays anyway. The best thing is that we are all at the height of our power, and we feel that this is the most exciting time.”
-Suzanne Braun Levine

“I was told being mostly a model and an actress that growing old was going to be very difficult for me, so I was bracing myself. Instead I found that with age what continued to grow was a certain lightness, and a certain pleasure and freedom, and it was wonderful to read Fifty is the New Fifty and see that a lot of women feel that.”
- Isabella Rossellini

“I love where I am, it’s so liberating, I love being 50. When there’s a crisis you just kind of breathe right through it. It feels really good.”
- Rep. Donna F. Edwards (D-MD)

“I want to say to everybody at More magazine and to women who are afraid to mention their age or talk about age, and to the celebrities who want to be on the cover, but don’t want to talk about their age: ’You guys are going there whether you like it or not!’”
- Lesley Jane Seymour

“I’m especially grateful to Suzanne for the overall title of Fifty is the New Fifty, because it’s like the Zen message of aging, ‘We are where we are.’ And, I’m also grateful to her for expanding her title – I’m 75. The good news is I can still do what I’ve always done. But, the bad news is I think I’m immortal which then causes me to plan very poorly.”
-Gloria Steinem

___________________________________________

From the moment she took her “first step” backward off a ninety-foot cliff in an Outward Bound Program, to fulfill a personal mission and reconnect with her inner Tomboy at fifty, Suzanne Braun Levine has invented her own second adulthood.  Her declaration: “Fifty is the New Fifty it is not the new Thirty,” on the opening page of FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY: 10 Life Lessons for Women in Second Adulthood (Now Available in Paperback/ Plume/ April 2010) celebrates the confidence and camaraderie of women fifty, sixty and seventy who are happy where they are and would not want to turn the clock back.

FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY and her previous book Inventing The Rest of Our Lives have defined and inspired a generation of women. “Our bond is common experience and the honesty with which we share it,” says Levine.

As women become the largest sector of the work force and the major breadwinners in many households, their roles are changing and new role models are emerging. Women in Second Adulthood – 37 million strong and growing are becoming each other’s ‘horizontal role models’, taking charge of their life, work and relationships.

What is important about second adulthood, Levine has found is that “the range of things we learn about ourselves – our bodies, our brains, our relationships and our approach to the world -  is as wide as it was when we were adolescents.” It is a stage filled with questioning what’s next, a quest for mastery and authenticity, and wondering ‘Who is this person saying NO’ with confidence and a new bravado. Levine describes this questioning period – the Fertile Void - with exuberance and candor.

FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY: 10 Life Lessons for Women in Second Adulthood reads like a conversation among women friends – a circle of trust – who are generous, brave, funny, wise, and engaged in claiming their empowerment. Whether, it is rolling with the punches of a crisis (recovering from a divorce or cancer), seeing risks as opportunities, saying ‘No’ (“No, I won’t make cupcakes!”), questioning the meaning of work or putting themselves at the top of their ‘To Do List,’ Levine has captured the details of women’s changing lives. And, she has transformed their lives and her own into life lessons grounded in the experiences of women on the front lines of this new stage.

The ‘lessons’ in the book are a distillation of interviews with individual women, callers to radio shows, and her many lecturer appearances for groups like the Transition Network  and her own circle of trust.  She compares the ‘truths’ of this on-going conversation  with women to those shared by mothers who find themselves on adjoining benches at a playground – tidbits of advice and commiserating about body changes, sleepless nights, and ultimately leading up to a rousing tide of knowing laughter. Recognizing the importance of friendship is part of a recalibration of ‘What Matters Most’ to women in second adulthood. Whether it is dealing with the loss of a friend or sharing the simple companionship of like-minded women which Levine says, “gives us courage, reduces stress, and is the best problem-solving environment there is, and the laughter women generate together is the elixir of life.”

“My hope is this book is like a welcome message in a bottle for women sent to them by a circle of trust, a circle that continues to grow and evolve,” says Levine. “We all have a lot more to share and I will be along on the journey to chronicle our every step.”

About Suzanne Braun Levine
Suzanne Braun Levine is a writer, editor and nationally recognized authority on women and family issues, and media. She’s chronicled and fostered change in women’s lives as the first editor of Ms. magazine and today as a contributing editor of More magazine. She is a lecturer, appears frequently on television, and is an advisor to several women’s and media groups, and organizations dealing with midlife issues. She defined a new stage of life – Women in Second Adulthood – and reports on the ongoing changes in women’s lives in her books and on her website.

Questions for Suzanne Braun Levine

What is the ‘Good News’ about being Fifty, Sixty, Seventy?
Women in Second Adulthood don’t want to be younger. They don’t buy into, “Fifty is the New Thirty!” and are happy where they are!

This is new stage is exhilarating. It is defined by change, the urge to bring new elements into the mix of our lives, to revise our established lifestyle, and most important, we feel empowered and confident that we can cope with whatever comes.

And, this is ‘Good News’ not only for my generation but also for younger women because they now have role models for what is possible after 50!

What is the ‘Bad News’ if there is any? What hasn’t changed enough?
Two things haven’t changed near enough. One is the burden of caregiving that falls upon women of all ages without any support from the society we live in. The other is ageism. It is very hard to convince yourself that you are as happy and fulfilled as you feel when the world around you is blowing you off. We have to make sure that we don’t make things worse by buying into the youth obsession.

Which of the 10 Lessons in the book was the hardest for you? The easiest?
The most difficult – and I think men will never understand how hard it is for women – was Lesson #4 – “No is not a Four-Letter Word.” Saying ‘No’ is extremely difficult for women. But now, I am constantly surprised how little trauma happens when I say No. I always thought the world would come to an end and everybody would hate me.  I realized that most of the time it’s accepted as the natural order of things – you say, no, you say, yes – sometimes they come after you, but the nice thing about being this age is you feel like you can take it.

I don’t know about easiest, but the corollary to Saying No is “Do Unto Yourself as You Have Been Doing Unto Others” Lesson #6. Women are taught to be selfless, but once you start to say ‘No’ you find out what you need and want to do.

How do you gather the life stories that you use throughout the book?
Writing books about my life and women in second adulthood gives me an excuse to butt in to people’s lives. I eavesdrop on conversations; I ask impertinent questions of women I meet; I ask very personal questions of my friends. And I use my network and the Internet to find women with experiences to share.  I am amazed and touched by how forthright, funny, and smart we all are.

How has your life changed since you began writing about women in Second Adulthood?
In figuring out what is going on for our generation of women, I have figured out a lot about the confusion, fear, and expectations that hit me as I entered this new stage of life – the part I call the ‘Fertile Void.’  It has also been exhilarating gaining insight into my life from hundreds of other women, dozens of experts, and some of the smartest writers and researchers.

And, by writing about it I have found my own voice for the first time in my life. I had always been an editor and so at first it was difficult for me put my [own story into my writing], but my editor convinced me. The more I realized that I had things to say, the more I was anxious to say them, and the prouder I was of having said them. Putting my ideas and myself out there was, in fact, the biggest risk.

Are you writing another book on Second Adulthood? What will you be exploring next?

My next book is about – get ready for this – LOVE!  The more I learn about how we are getting to know ourselves and how we are redefining women’s experience, the more I am aware of changes we are making in the way we love, whom we love, and how we define intimacy, devotion, passion, and commitment. I am encountering wonderful stories that I am sure will surprise and delight women – those who have read my other books and those who are beginning to question the changes they are experiencing.

For Interviews, please contact:

Buy the book from PenguinGroup.com

FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY:
Ten Life Lessons for Women in Second Adulthood
By Suzanne Braun Levine
Author of Inventing the Rest of Our Lives

One of the fun things authors get to do for the paperback edition of their book is work with the publisher on a Reader’s Guide for Book Clubs. The publication date for “Fifty is the New Fifty: 10 Life Lessons for Women in Second Adulthood” is March 30th.

In advance of the publication, we’re posting the Plume Edition Reader’s Guide here. Many women have told me the book inspired numerous conversations with their sisters, mothers and friends. I hope the guide leads to even more sharing, laugher and intimacy. And, that you’ll share your thoughts on this site.

INTRODUCTION

“A Circle of Trust is a Must for Women”
Like the “Circle of Trust” Suzanne describes in Fifty is the New Fifty, book clubs give women the opportunity to be together – to read and share stories, to find community and support and laughter (plus scrumptious food and lots of wine!). That is how we help each other invent the rest of our lives.

In her first book, Inventing the Rest of Our Lives, Suzanne identified Second Adulthood as “a new stage of life that women are defining as they live it.” With Fifty is the New Fifty, she expands on earlier themes and captures the exuberance, personal breakthroughs, life changing moments, and stories of friends, family members, and countless women she has met on this journey.
Rich with expert voices, up-to-date scientific research, and Suzanne’s personal insights, this book inspires an important conversation about a life experience women describe as reinvention – and mainstream media often dismisses as “aging” (read “invisible”).

Fifty is the New Fifty: Ten Life Lessons for Women in Second Adulthood is a distillation of insights, anecdotes and wisdom from women like those in your reading group. Sharing personal anecdotes is the way we empower each other, so review the ten lessons and decide which ones resonate with you. Like each of our lives, every conversation about our lives is different.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

Happy (?) Birthday

On the opening page of Fifty is the New Fifty, Suzanne says, “Some people think the reinvention process means, ‘Fifty is the new thirty!’ as if the reward for what is a major shift in outlook is a new lease on youth.” Not so; in fact, she continues, women fifty, sixty and seventy are happy where they are and wouldn’t want to turn the clock back. Have the members of your book club talked about your ages with each other? Have you celebrated milestone birthdays together? What has moving on from fifty been like for each of you?

Have you heard yourself say “I don’t care what other people think any more”?

Most women find themselves liberated by the feistiness that comes with the new territory. Can you remember the first time you spoke up in a situation in which you would have kept quiet before? How did it make you feel? Discuss the way other peoples’ opinions influence our behavior.

Do you want to say “NO!” when they try to seat you and your friends at the back of the restaurant?

Suzanne says that most women have grown up being encouraged to say “yes” (except, of course, to sex). But, by fifty many of us are finding the courage to say, “NO!” It is scary but very exhilarating moment to hear yourself say: “No! I don’t want to do that!” “No! I don’t like you.” Can you think of a situation(s) that made you feel empowered when you said: “No?”

Are you a risk-taker?

Most women in Second Adulthood grew up when girls were expected to play by very restrictive rules. Can you remember occasions when you felt held back? Not taken seriously? Discouraged from trying to do something dangerous or different? How do you feel about taking on a big challenge today?

What effect did the Women’s Movement have on your life?

Sports, professions, language, fashion, life styles have all changed for women in the last forty years. Many of the changes have been controversial. Which have most impacted you? How are the prospects for your daughters (and sons) different from yours at their age?

How do you feel about changes taking place in your body?

For women, our bodies are the front line in the confrontation with the “age is a disease” notion. How we care for our bodies is one of our major responsibilities. But, sometimes when a showdown with our body happens, Suzanne reminds us, the best response is laughter. What are some of the body issues you have resolved? And haven’t resolved? What is the most hilarious revelation about your aging body?

Does your to-do list include you?

How many times have you postponed something as simple as washing your hair or reading a book because family needs come up that push you off your own agenda? Have you made any adjustments to reclaim time for you? Have you begun to think about doing unto yourself as you have for others?

What about your work future?

Work is very important to many women’s lives, and as Suzanne points out, the notion of “retirement” is put on the table just as many women are hitting their stride professionally and many others are reentering the workforce. Plus, the general economy is a major factor. What is your experience in the workplace? What are your expectations for work in the future? Would things look different if you went from being a partner to being alone–or vice versa?
If you are changing, how is your marriage doing? 
As women are recalibrating all of their relationships, a long-term marriage can, for the first time in years perhaps, move to the front burner. The emotional pot is simmering. How has your marriage changed over time? Have you grown closer or further apart? Is there ongoing struggle in your marriage? If so, is it about power and decision-making? Money? Sex? Would you say that your definition of love has changed?

Which Life Lesson in Fifty is the New Fifty is most meaningful to you? Which one do you want to work on?

Like all of you, I have a circle of friends that I try to connect with on a regular basis. For me, it’s often over lunch.  I look forward to those dates with a real hunger – for the intimacy, the chance to chronicle our lives to ourselves and each other, and the sheer delight of gazing at a well-loved face.

If too much time goes by, one or the other of us sends an e-mail titled “re: lunch?” Occasionally we need to schedule an urgent date, and then any other appointments become less urgent. Usually though we catch up, we complain, we laugh – and we recommend books to each other.  It’s no surprise to me that a love of books is bringing women together in large numbers online and in real life where comfort food and wine can result in intimate revelations and real life connections to the book or topic being discussed.

Recently, more than the usual number of very enthusiastic recommendations have come my way, and I want to share them with you. I am adding some of my own discoveries; to my surprise many of them are novels. I wonder what it means to shift my reading from non-fiction to fiction in this stage of my life.

Those of you in book clubs will have your lists to share. I hope you will post them in the comment section on the site so we can be inspired by the books and the insights of your “Circle of Trust.”

BOOKS WE LOVE

From my friend Susie
Her important new book, The Viking in the Wheat Field: A Scientist’s Struggle to Preserve the World’s Harvest, is an intimate and accessible account of a very big issue: http://thevikinginthewheatfield.com/

Summertime by J.M. Coetzee – she calls it “Wonderful. A little clever in structure…but wonderful.”
Out Stealing Horses by Per Pettersen. “I just sent this to my daughter-in-law who has just had a baby boy, as an introduction to what lies ahead.”
The Age of Wonder: How the Romantic Generation Discovered the Beauty of Science by Richard Holmes. Susie gave me this one for Christmas and based on the subtitle, I can’t wait to dig in.

From my friend Maddy

Nothing Was the Same by Kay Redfield Jamison. The story of her long marriage – a love affair that encompassed shared work as well as mental illness. An excellent video: The Big Think Interview with Kay Redfield Jamison

Shakespeare’s Kitchen by Lore Segal. Eleven inter-related short stories by an author we both love.
The Anthologist by Nicholson Baker. “Do you like poetry?” Maddy asked. “I used to,” I reply. “Well, in any case you will love this novel about a poet with writer’s block.” Sounds intriguing to me.

Books from Me

When Will There Be Good News? by Kate Atkinson. The latest of her novel/mystery/delicious character masterpieces.
The Audacity to Win: The Inside Story of Barack Obama’s Historic Victory by David Plouffe. I loved the camaraderie among smart and dedicated personalities who worked as a team.  As an inveterate “West Wing” watcher, I thought this was it in real life.
Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout. I am probably the last on my block to get to this prize-winning multifaceted view of one woman’s life. Let me put it this way: when I wasn’t stopping in awe of the writing, I was laughing out loud.

Books by Friends

Land the Job you Love! Ten Surefire Strategies for Jobseekers Over 50 by Mary Eileen Williams. She is a long-time career counselor and founder of the lively blog and radio show “Feisty Side of Fifty.”  This is good advice – simple, without being simplistic.

I have previously recommended Sugar Time, a novel by Jane Adams and Marrying George Clooney: Confessions from A Midlife Crisis a memoir by Amy Ferris. They are a perfect pair of books for all of us.

Amy’s book is heading for an off-Broadway production: http://marryinggeorgeclooney.com/blog/

Jane, who has a Ph.D. in psychology, has moved on to an important issue for many of us, working on college applications for our kids and looking ahead to the next stage of our lives. She has put together an online course that helps parents and teens get through “Transition Fever.” http://www.launchintocollege.com.

Add the Books You Love…

Marcy Adelman: 2009 Purpose Prize Winner

BRINGING EXPERIENCE TO SOCIAL INNOVATION CHANGES EVERYTHING

In a culture that often seems to thrive more on “creating” villains than honoring heroes, it is especially rewarding to report on people who are changing the world. THE PURPOSE PRIZE – announced by Encore Careers and Civic Ventures – celebrates and honors people over 60 who are bringing experience to social innovation (read the press release).

I was proud to have been a judge for this Award, and I can tell you the candidates and winners are a diverse, talented and impressive group of people dedicated to change.  Each one of them had asked themselves the familiar Second Adulthood Question: “What shall I do with the rest of my life?”

Each identified a social problem that their First Adulthood had prepared them to solve. Then they took the risk. Their stories are truly inspirational.

Congratulations to all the social entrepreneurs who entered or were nominated for The Purpose Prize in 2009. Civic Ventures awarded $100,000 to five winners, $50,000 to another group five people and recognized the accomplishments of many other
change-makers.

Read about Encore Careers, this year’s winners, their big ideas and watch the videos.  And, for 2010, nominate yourself or someone you know.

http://www.encore.org

http://www.encore.org/prize/nominate?ref=winners.cfm