My new book How We Love Now is out this week.

The date was chosen because in publishing January is “self-improvement month.” The thinking is that at the start of the New Year we want to repent for all the guilty pleasures we indulged in over the holidays. Which is also why we make resolutions — to become better than we are. Oy, the guilt.

But Second Adulthood is about shedding that kind of guilt, along with many other emotional and psychological burdens that get in the way of inventing the rest of our lives. So I am proposing a new kind of resolution, a guilt-free and empowering resolving of unnecessary conflicts and contradictions that freeze us in place…

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Second Adulthood is all about change. It’s about a restlessness that creates a non-specific “itch” to make changes. Life in the Fertile Void, as I call this period, may feel like a free fall; it is alternately exhilarating and terrifying.

The changes you choose to make may not be as dramatic as parachuting out of a plane or as operatic as running off with the cable guy, but they will probably feel as momentous. Though some women are overcome with a burning passion to do something really big, others of us follow a small steady “Pilot Light” to self-discovery. Whether you redesign your life from top to bottom — and keep on doing it – or you can only manage small changes at first, you will find yourself recalibrating your life in exciting new ways.

FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY: Lesson Three: “Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes.” Here is what you do NOT have to do – though you may find out you want to…

• Leave Your Job
• Leave Your Partner
• Leave the Country
• Leave Your Senses
• Leave Your Body

Let me explain:

Leave Your Job – Many women sense a loss of professional drive as they move toward their fifties and worry that there is something wrong with them. But it may just be that you have reached a job that suits you or that you are ready to shift gears from climbing the ladder to settling on a plateau of accomplishment.

Leave Your Partner – In Second Adulthood, changes are taking place in both partners that may make couples more compatible now than they have ever been. As women experience a renewed curiosity about themselves, they often experience a renewed curiosity in the partner they thought they knew so well.

Leave the Country – The most commonly voice all-purpose passion is travel. But many women don’t really want to leave their (newly empty) nests; instead they want to feather them with cozy experiences and newfound intimacy. Others may want to make more internal, spiritual journeys. And still others may find that their local communities hold unexplored wonders and possibilities.

Leave Your Senses – Learning to scuba dive, taking up Chinese, or moving into a yurt may sound like just the high-intensity transformation you need, but you may also find that taking tango lessons, putting together a family tree, or planning a cousins’ reunion becomes the first step toward the rest of your life.

Leave Your Body – Our bodies are the front line in the confrontation with aging, but when the showdown is getting nasty, just imagine how many good laughs we would miss if our bodies were giving us so much hilarious material. Sure, it would be great to lose those twenty pounds, and it might feel very daring to let the gray grow in or get plastic surgery. On the other hand that might make you fell less like your true self than you do now. Only you can tell which it is. Maybe a regular pedicure or a new hair style will be all the transformation you need.

A common problem we often have is that we defeat ourselves before we start by replacing old unrealistic expectations with new ones. What matters – very much – is the deceptively simple insight that nothing changes, if nothing changes. Breaking one old pattern sets everything else in motion.

Have you felt this restlessness? Have you made changes large or small in your life?

Do you have a partner or a project or a person who moves you deeply? Someone you trust totally? Have you heard yourself use the word “love” in circumstances you hadn’t before? Do you connect love with sex? If you feel you are missing love in your life, what is it you miss?

The reason I ask is that everywhere I go, I hear from women who are experiencing love, intense love, in new ways. In some cases, they do not label the feelings “love” but the more we talk, the clearer it becomes that the word is taking on a wider definition. We are finding love – and sometimes sex – in circumstances we would never have dreamed of earlier in our lives. I want to know more about this expanded and enriched love life.

“I have fallen in love for real and for the first time in my life,” a 52-year-old bride tells me with a tinge of disbelief. Would she have fallen for the same guy thirty years ago or would she have dismissed him as uncool or inappropriate? I wonder. Why now?

“I have fallen in love with my husband all over again,” exults a woman who has been married over forty years. “There were times where I thought we would never make it, but this was worth hanging in for!” What happens in a long term relationship that refires the engine?

“I was happily married for forty years,” says another woman, “but when my husband died, I found myself becoming increasingly drawn to other women. I just found the intimacy so easy.” What is it like to make this kind of transfer or eroticism and intimacy?
And what is it like for the women who never felt satisfied in their heterosexual relationships who are discovering their true sexuality now?

”You may be shocked,” says a very serious-looking doctor, “but I have discovered the joys of one night stands. I need a rest from ‘relating.’ And the sex is great!” I am not shocked; I have spoken to countless women who are experimenting with separating sex from long-term commitments, and countless others who are experimenting with sex in general. Does reaching the “fuck-you fifties” set us free to literally go there?

Then there are the women who have found the opposite is for them – relationships without sex or commitment – good, comfortable, compatible companionship with someone who probably wouldn’t be a satisfactory partner. Others are feeling deep satisfaction in the non-sexual connections in their lives. “I got married about ten years ago, to a man I adore, and we are very happy,” says an executive I know, “but I think my real life-long passion is for the young people I have mentored over the past thirty years.”

Grandmotherhood seems to be another source of unexpected joy. “I can’t believe it,” a friend marvels, “but I feel like I am awaiting a lover when I am going to see my granddaughter. The love is so intense.” What is it about being maternal again that turns an otherwise reserved woman into a doting and dotty grandma?

Most of all, women in every conceivable situation and life style recommitting to their women friends. They are exhilarated by the new levels of understanding and trust that surpass all other connections in their lives. What is it like to build on a long-standing friendship? What is it like to fall out of love with an old friend? What is like to find a new friend?

As diverse as these expressions of love are, I see certain ingredients that they have in common. For one thing, by now we know who we are, which makes it easier to know what we want. At the same time our expectations are more realistic than back when love was what dreams were made of. We don’t expect to change anyone (very much) and we don’t expect a perfect fit or a protector. We are definitely better at managing on our own, not sweating the small stuff, and living with the insecurity of ongoing change. And we are ready to take some risks. Together we are defining a new way of loving.

In my next book I will try to describe what it is going on. Please help by telling me how it is for you. (write me at info@SuzanneBraunLevine.com or post your comment here.)

With the launch of this website we are celebrating the new home for Women in Second Adulthood along with the publication of my new book: FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY: 10 LIFE LESSONS FOR WOMEN IN SECOND ADULTHOOD. In my books, I have collected anecdotes, insights, and wisdom from women at a new frontier of self-discovery; their stories, along with front-line scientific research and understanding from those professionals who are monitoring our journey, offer practical guidelines for all of us. On this website we can do the same among ourselves.

We are the first generation of women to experience this second chance at growing-up; after decades of living prescribed roles, each of us is finding her own voice and writing her own script. We – more than 37 million of us – are building the personal drive and political clout to make changes in society as we invent the rest of our own lives.

Many of us became aware of this new stage when we confronted a 50th birthday and the question “What am I going to do with the rest of my life?” As we answered that question for ourselves we discovered what is new about 50 – and 60 and 70. That is why 50 is not the new 30. In many important ways it is better than earlier ages – we feel braver, smarter and more confident – and most women I have met do not want to go back to the lives they lived when they were younger.

That is the way it has been for me. Although I had reported on women’s lives throughout most of my first adulthood, as I reached midlife for the first time I needed to understand what was going on in my own life. I was the one wondering if I was crazy and if I was the only one shaking things up. As I talked to other women I was reassured and energized by our shared experience. For example, the realization that we no longer care so much about what other people think about our behavior or ideas. As long as they feel right to us. And the exhilaration of hearing yourself say “NO” loud and clear without the world falling apart.

Since then I have written two books about us. But, the more we live, the more we discover and the more there is to say. Where better to continue the conversation than right here where we can talk directly to each other?

We’ve added some new features to the site, a newsletter and more changes are coming. We hope you find the site a welcoming, comfortable place to call ‘home’, bring friends, tell your stories and add to our collective wisdom and about the discoveries of our generation

Join Us!

When the first copy of my new book FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY arrived from my publisher, my emotions were mixed. On the one hand the book embodies the long-awaited launch of my ideas into the public conversation. On the other hand, it makes me vulnerable to the public’s response. Curiously, though, I feel somewhat less vulnerable this time out than when INVENTING THE REST OF OUR LIVES was published several years ago.

This is due in part to the fact that I was in my fifties when I wrote the first book and I am in my sixties now. While being in your sixties makes you more vulnerable to invisibility in some circles, it also sets you free from caring so desperately about what other people think. (And, my friend Robin always adds, caring more about what you think.) That’s part of it. But the main reason is that in the interim I have figured out a thing or two, and I am less confused about what I call Second Adulthood.

I wrote INVENTING THE REST OF OUR LIVES because I was totally bewildered about what I was feeling and experiencing. I sensed that I was entering a new stage of life, but I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to go there. In the course of many conversations with other women in the same boat, and interviews with people who seemed to have a bit of perspective on what was going on, I began to figure out that Second Adulthood might just be the best stage of all.

Now, after a little more living and many more conversations with women like me who have found real-life solutions to some of the challenges we confront, I see that while this stage of life is unique to each woman, there are patterns too. I think of FIFTY IS THE NEW FIFTY: 10 LESSONS FOR WOMEN IN SECOND ADULTHOOD as the sum total of the wisdom, insights and anecdotes I have accumulated so far.

We can only learn from each other. Because we cannot look to past generations for guidance and inspiration, we are becoming one another’s Horizontal Role Models: The woman who is giving up stiletto heels simply because they are uncomfortable. The woman who is questioning the nature of her relationships and the meaning of her work. The woman who is ready to try some new and totally out-of-character experiences on for size. They all have helpful – and hilarious – stories to tell.

Now that there are more of us making our way through Second Adulthood and now that more of us have been there long enough to look back on how they got there, we can share our Life Lessons. Whether one of us is coping with a crisis the requires adjusting to a “new normal” or laughing her head off over coffee with her female “circle of trust” or standing up for herself by saying “no” loud and clear, I believe our collective wisdom will inspire her to take charge of her life, get to know her new self – and go for it, in ways that matter to her.

So if I feel a little less vulnerable about saying what I think I know now, and a little less fearful of generating controversy, it is because those women are the strength of my convictions.

At the time I was an only half-awake feminist. But I did have one bond with the magazine. When the Preview Issue came out the previous winter it featured a list of celebrities who admitted that they had had illegal abortions and a coupon for other women to add their names. I filled out the coupon, glad to step forward on an issue that mattered a lot to me. By the time those coupons were being compiled, I was on the job and actually found and opened my envelope.

The women I worked with came from a range of backgrounds – the civil rights movement, the feminist movement, and those like myself who were magazine types and somewhat less activist. I wore a pink silk blouse and matching cashmere skirt to my first day of work – only to discover that my “desk” was a pile of boxes in a small dusty room I shared with three others. It didn’t take long before I – along with many of the readers of Ms. – was becoming radicalized by the unfairness of the status of women that we had been taking for granted. I was also a little scandalized by some of the more way-out seeming discussions that I found myself editing. Back then, I found the idea of not shaving your legs, for example, almost unthinkable. And “Liberating Masturbation” . . . Well, you can imagine.

The fact that we were even talking about such things in public was exhilarating, and the response to the conversation from women who had felt isolated and crazy and now were feeling empowered was even more exhilarating. That flood of gratitude was a little intimidating too. After all, who were we to be shaking up people’s lives? Most of us were in our twenties and thirties and had hardly gotten our own lives straightened out. And now women were looking to us for advice. The challenge was to NOT give advice, but to share the experiences of women in similar situations and enable the reader to make her own choices with the confidence that she had a supportive community to back her up. The modesty of the magazine’s voice, combined with its totally rude and fearless exposition of taboo subjects, created a powerful and unique touchstone for women.

Despite our disclaimers, there were regular calls to our offices from people who had nowhere else to turn for life-changing referrals and advice. It was hard not to try to solve their problems – and we did our best within our pages – but we were not The Women’s Movement. We were not the Pravda of some monolithic party with a you-are-with-us-or-you-are-against-us agenda and a yellow pages of approved resources (though there were those even within the feminist community who accused us of trying to be that). There were also those who wanted to take us down individually and as a movement. Although as editor, I was an inside person and my colleagues who dealt with the public and the advertising community took the most abuse, there would be circumstances where I would dread having to drop the bomb that I worked at Ms. In almost any group there was at least one man who seemed unable to resist the challenge to Make The Feminist Cry by belittling our work or putting down the experiences that we were claiming in our lives. When those men tired of the sport, though, the women they were with would inch over and quietly exchange confidences.

There ware also women who wanted to take us on. About the way we dressed. About our lack of gratitude for all we had been allowed to achieve. About our bad manners. About how were making things worse for them not better. About how we shouldn’t presume to speak for all women.

It seems almost incredible now to consider those criticisms. And it is a measure of the impact of the magazine and the movement that women no longer dress in a uniform, that we don’t feel grateful for what a male-dominated society has given us, that we don’t need to “behave,” that no one can speak for all women but that collectively we have indeed made things better for all women. And certainly for this one woman.

I cannot imagine where I would be in my own life if I hadn’t joined that magazine 35 years ago – and stayed for 17 years! For one thing I would have missed out on the precious “chosen family” that my colleagues became then and have remained until this day. Nurtured on a shared mission, well-worn work habits, recognized foibles and strengths and immeasurable trust, we saw each other through birth, death, marriage, divorce, sickness and success. We celebrated and we laughed. Oh, how we laughed! I know that without them and without Ms., I would be more timid, less connected to other women, a less outspoken (and therefore more resentful) wife, a less accepting mother and less activist citizen. Quite simply I would be less than I could be if I hadn’t lived with and through those years at Ms.

The First two categories are self-explanatory; the third – “What took so long?” – is the one that we need to talk about – particularly in the context of a new movie called “Heading South” that purports to deal with it. Countless women have told me how, to their amazement, sex has become not only better, but very different for them after menopause. For some the simple knowledge that pregnancy was no longer an option – or a risk – is so liberating that they feel more relaxed and better able to focus on their pleasure. Others say that the outrageous streak that they find erupting in their “Fuck-You Fifties” enables them to really throw themselves into sexual experimentation and self-expression. And still others have told me about their discovery of “casual sex” or “sex for its own sake” or even paying their way – the kind of sex we used to consider a male specialty.

The three middle aged women in “Heading South”- which takes place in the seventies for some reason – are regulars at a Haitian resort where they adopt the beautiful young black beach boys and give them money, gifts, and doting admiration in exchange for hot sex. The amazing Charlotte Rampling stars as a Wellesly professor who has enjoyed playing the game for several years until a rival (Karen Young) arrives at the resort, and jealousy drives her into “wanting a relationship” with her favorite. The emphasis of the movie is on the growing rivalry between the women, and much less attention is given to celebrating the joyous, liberating, self-empowering sexual experience the women characters talk about. The message is that no matter how hard women try to talk themselves out of competing for men or into enjoying simple delicious sex – no matter how liberated they think they are – the need to possess the beloved or to beat off a rival will win out in the end.

The message I have gotten from women who have sex with men with whom there is nowhere to go but back to bed is just the opposite. Jealousy and possessiveness are tired, old themes, to be dealt with if need be, but the real headline is the s-e-x. For them being old enough to know what they want and being able to go out and get it is so new and so titillating that it opens up an endless array of delicious possibilities. The movie didn’t go there; after positing the existence of female lust after fifty, it didn’t dare believe it. It’s hard for the media to keep up with us. As I keep discovering, women are defining a new stage of life by living it!

One group raises money to send caregivers on a vacation and hire replacements for them for the week they are away; another is lobbying for care-giver tax credits and another is trying to build a national support community for those generous, overburdened souls.

I wrote in in Inventing the Rest of Our Lives about how important it is at this stage of life to, as Gloria Steinem has recently put it, “do unto yourself as you have been doing unto others.” The demands of caring for a dependent relative are a real challenge to that imperative. I also wrote about the need that many of us feel to stay engaged in public life and the fact that as we become more outspoken we can put our big mouths to the service of making change. We really have to step up to the plate on this one, especially since the women like us who are drowning can’t speak for themselves.

P.S. On another (happier) subject, I am quoted in a very interesting article in the May/June issue of the AARP Magazine called “The Secret Lives of Single Women.” It reports on a survey of 2500 women, many of whom are enjoying being single, having sex, and discovering all kinds of things about themselves.

The increasing use of both sides of the brain for cognitive processes – bilateral brain involvement – can support a more balanced perspective on life that draws on both our logical, analytical powers as well as our nonverbal, intuitive capacities…..Evidence for this kind of development comes from studies such as that from the Berkeley Institute of Personality and Social Research of women in their forties and fifties. Compared with younger women, the midlife women in this study had a stronger sense of personal identity, better self-awareness in social environments, more confidence, more control over events in their lives, and greater productivity. – The Mature Mind: The Positive Power of The Aging Brain, by Gene D. Cohen, M.D., Ph.D.

From 1970 to the late 1990’s men’s attitudes toward marriage became more favorable, while women’s became less so. By the end of the century, more men than women said that marriage was their ideal lifestyle. And on average, men become more content with their marriages over time, while women grow less so. A majority of divorced men and women report that the wife was the one who wanted out of the marriage. A recent study of divorces that occurred after age 40 found that wives initiated two-thirds of them. – The New York Times, February 19, 2006

In recent years scientists, using new imaging techniques, have been able to compare brain activity by gender. And what they have seen shows not that women worry more but that women think – and likely worry – differently than men do.
Women’s brains show more communication between the hemispheres than men’s brains, says Dr, Vesna Pirec, a psychiatrist at Rush University Medical Center, Chicago. In men’s brains, the left hemisphere – often considered the analytical part of the brain – is more active, she says “With both hemispheres activated in women, there are many more different types of emotional reactions,” she says. “And women, in times of stress, also tend to remember many more details than men would.”….
“Women have a greater tendency to brood, with a lot of [emotion] engaged in it,” says Dr, Joan Land, chairwoman of the department of psychiatry at St. Louis University School of Medicine. “Men have a tendency to be a little bit more obsessive, concentration on ‘What should I do?’ rather than ‘What am I feeling?’” – Article by Connie Lauerman, Chicago Tribune, January 18, 2006

[The online dating service] audience is skewing older than ever before: people 50 and over are the fastest growing age group using the site[s]. – The New York Times, January 13, 2006

- 65% of women who purchased a new product in the past six month were women over age 50.
- Topping the list of new purchases are technology-related products allowing 50+ women to stay connected to friends and family, including DVDs, digital cameras, wide-screen televisions, cell phones and computers. Other popular purchases include new cars, recreational products, cruises and extreme experiences.
- An overall feeling of happiness appears to grow with age – 46% of women in their 50s say they are “extremely: or “very satisfied” with their overall wellness, increasing to 50% of those in their 60s and 66% of those in their 70s. – Aging Redefine, a study by Frank About Women, a Winston-Salem, NC firm specializing in Marketing to women.

The women I meet, on the other hand, radiate humor, courage, generosity of spirit and purse, community and optimism. They are forthright and bold.

Recently in Phoenix, over 150 women came to hear me and ended up listening to each other. I learned a lot from them. And one of the things the conversation that evening confirmed for me was that the ideas I am talking about resonate with young women as much as the Second Adulthood women I have written about.

At first I was confused, because, in my experience, the last thing a thirty-something “daughter” wants from her “mother” right now is the story of her life. But I am beginning to get the picture. They aren’t trying to figure out how it is for us, but how it will be for them. And the lessons they are trying to glean from our stories are not about aging but about living.

Now that I think I understand the answers young women are looking for, I want to know more about the specific questions on their minds. I would pose some questions too: What does the future look like? What are you longing to get to when you “have more time”? What can’t you wait to be over with? What are you afraid of? What do you think about the experience we are describing? I hope to hear from you.

As for the news, we just can’t let the toxic societal climate get to us. Feminist leader and Congresswoman Bella Abzug used to say: “The question is whether women will change power or power will change women.” In the thirty years since she made that statement, I have become reassured that women can and will change power – for the better. And as I look at the gloomy moral landscape today, I am sure we can continue to make change. It just doesn’t always look that way. Some cynic once said, “If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you must be looking in the wrong direction.” As long as we are moving in the right direction, and as long as we can keep laughing, we will make it.